What Lovely Wings

Two weeks ago, I held my oldest daughter and cried happy and "I'll miss you like crazy" tears as she boarded a plane for Australia. She was on her way to an incredible internship that will keep her "down under" for almost 5 months. 

This week, I helped my youngest move into the dorm of her boarding school for her Senior year of High School. (Before you get any ideas about wealthy socialites and crest-emblazoned jackets etc... we are thankful every single day for a wonderful thing called scholarships )  In the middle of all this, I was facing a financial crisis that would actually leave me homeless, all while battling a chronic illness. 

Needless to say, the emotions were at an all time high and low simultaneously. I have no explanation for the struggles and for the unanswered 200+ job applications. However, I am in awe that even in the middle of complete and utter chaos, came the image of strength as my daughters spread their wings to embrace their destinies.  The greatest paradox of single parenting, is when you feel you have failed miserably, your children surprise you by actually embracing all you've poured into them. 

Choosing to believe and hope for the best, is often hard even in the best of circumstances. But, stepping into the unknown under a cloud of uncertainty and rejection, takes courage of Joan of Arc proportions. I feel like our little family has been doing this for more than a decade. Every single step forward has been met with about 10 steps backwards. I have lost many "friends" and supporters who've hinted and blatantly said, I wasn't trying, or I must be "all better now." 

We have all heard the cliches and euphemisms:

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"
"Your blessing is right around the corner."
"God won't put more on you than you can bear."

Guess what? Those are all false.

If anything, the emotions and mindset take the biggest beating. After a while, when you keep on trying and keep on trying and it's met with defeat and failure over and over again, one starts to feel like God has forgotten them.  Then, in despair you take one last ounce of courage and reach out to others, and they too are silent. It is enough to make you become today's version of Andy Warhol.

Then, something remarkable happens. These two heartbeats, these gorgeous, hilarious, brilliant souls, spread their enormous wings and there you are. You realize, it has all been worth it. Here before you, stand these confident, young women, ready to take on what's next regardless of the rejection, regardless of the poverty, regardless of the summers of endless squash ( and that was just about all ), regardless of what their friends have, regardless of expectations.

They spread their wings and their flight will be higher than any elevation you could have perceived.

It has been said, single parenting is the hardest job in the world. I would venture to say, this is the truth, even more so, as there has been no help or interaction at all from my daughters' estranged father. The toll of being discarded and abandoned, did damage, I can't even write about yet out of respect to them. But, what's been amazing to watch, is with every hardship and with every heartache, their wings were not clipped as you would suppose, they were being strengthened. If muscles aren't used, atrophy sets in and although the muscles are in place they would be obsolete. Not so, with these girls, and with this mom,

There hasn't been time for wing atrophy, We have had to stretch, strengthen, and often crash in pseudo flight to be able to soar above the storm clouds, into the serene elevations where nothing can deter.

I am convinced that even in the middle of what I deem as unanswered prayers, God has been and is establishing flight patterns. True, I have certainly let God know my disdain for His delay and those "11th hour" answers, but that peace? That assurance? It is the same peace that came last year, when I put my youngest daughter on a plane to India. It's the same peace that comes when I put my heart on the line with vulnerability and borderline begging, with 30 people, only to have 3 answer and still, I know somehow the answer will come. It is the same peace that comes, when I have no idea what even tomorrow will bring, but I look at pictures of my girls loving life, soaking up God's presence and running to their destinies.

It's the same peace that comes when I read what is supposed to happen with my disease, but I don't let it control my "flight."

This morning, I Skyped with my daughter in Australia. She looks the happiest and the most peaceful I have seen her in years. I told her she looks like she did when she was a little girl. Not long after, my youngest called to tell me about a few things happening over the next few days. She sounds excited and prepared for everything. She moved in early to help with orientation and assist new students. This time 2 years ago, she ( and I ) were constantly in tears. Oh, my darling girls...look at your lovely wings.

"They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run, and not grow weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I have many dreams, and as I look forward to all that is yet to be in my own life, I look at my daughters and realize, it has all been worth it. Would I have loved for life to be easier? YES! Would I like to have some answers today? OH YES! But, knowing in the middle of it all, these girls have not let the devastation of abandonment, rejection, poverty, and depression take over their lives, and have instead decided to spread their precious wings to maximum wingspan, I have had my best dreams come true.

Oh my girls, what lovely wings you have...