Ribbons of Bittersweet

Yesterday, I was outside in my yard, cleaning around a few flowerbeds, and around a large overgrown area that for years has been a big mix up of trees, flowers and brush.

There are bird feeders, a makeshift potting bench and several other things around this area and I love spending time there.

As I was cutting back some branches, that's when I noticed them: small scraps of pale blue ribbon tied to the higher branches blowing in the Spring breeze.

Immediately, I had a vivid recall of why they were there: my youngest daughter's 16th Birthday Party.

For many years, my daughters' birthday parties were held in that backyard. Games, scavenger hunts, volleyball, campfires, and decorations, always decorations.
We are a creative family; as a single mom I think creativity has been in high definition for years. These particular ribbons held lanterns and fairy lights. In the words of my daughter: "I want lights and lanterns everywhere."

We borrowed and borrowed and caught online sales, and I made almost everything from scratch.
It was a wonderful night and so many of the kids said it was the best birthday party ever. I think I spent about $20.00 of my own money.

We have had many years of "being creative."

Creative in our celebrations.
Creative in play.
Creative in work.
Creative in survival.

That same backyard was the home to several squash plants one summer, when they were just about all we had to live on. ( I can cook squash about 100 different ways now. )
That same backyard is where the girls played, built forts, and shared secrets.
That same backyard is where I sat in the rain with my youngest as we processed her moving into dorms.

It is also the place where I have cried, prayed, argued, pleaded and screamed at God. Yes, screamed. The good news is it was while mowing, so no one heard.

Bittersweet memories reside in that yard. It was in this same yard, my oldest asked her father if he was coming back.

With every good memory, there are often hard ones that coincide. The bittersweet is that little twinge of heartache with the good. There aren't any campfire birthday parties or fort building escapades anymore, as these amazing girls are growing up and are discovering the adult world of bittersweet for themselves. Jobs, schools, friends, memories...good with the bad, sorrow with the joy, beauty for ashes.

It's amazing how the longer we walk with God, those ribbons of bittersweet weave themselves into so many facets of our lives. Our strength comes from the struggle. Our hope comes from His suffering. Our life, came from His death. We die to live. It's all part of the great paradox.

As I move towards the "empty nest" time in my life, it would be easy to fall prey to the bitter and only think of all that's gone. However, princesses, ponies, bedtime stories and cuddles, have given way to long conversations of: "what would you do mom?" "How do I do that?" "Can you help me write/make/do/fix this?" And there's laughter, lots of laughter.

For years, my identity was only made of mere "ribbons" of my persona. I was a "Pastor's Wife."
"A Worship Leader." " A mom." Then, when life fell apart I didn't know who I was other than a mom. I poured everything into it. And while I made lots of mistakes, I got a lot right too.

Now, I am discovering the true beauty of what it means to walk with God without all the fanfare. It's true, raw, total dependence that is 100% my responsibility, without a cute Sunday School lesson or Veggie Tales sing-a-long.

Those girls? Strong, confident, young women now.
Those ribbons in the trees? Reminders of what was, but also what we survived: bittersweet reminders of grace....and of growth.