Faith that Stands
Ridiculous faith.
Crazy faith.
Mustard seeds the size of boulders faith.
These are just a few of the ways friends have referred to my faith.
I can, in no way though, take all the credit. In fact, I can't take any. I remember when "worry" was as much a part of my life as coffee was ( and is ) part of my morning. So trust me, when I say, my faith is far beyond what I ever knew or imagined.
I grew up in church and heard remarkable stories of faith. Evangelists would tell miraculous stories of provision at just the right time. I would sit enthralled at stories, missionaries told of how at the last moment, when it seemed all was lost, the check would arrive, the fever would break, the prodigal would return and having faith was at the crux of these tales.
Growing up, I had faith.
I had faith that God would make my own father appear magically one day. I believed one day a package would arrive with pictures and presents, all evidence of his "keeping track of me" through the years, and all the money we needed would be in that box too.
I had faith the abusive stepfather would love us. I prayed he would be in a good mood when he came home from work and we could laugh and play outside, because if he wasn't, the night would look very different, so different in fact, I might have to wear something to hide the events of the evening.
Years later, I prayed that my husband would change his mind about abandoning us. I did all those things that women say they won't do, because I had faith that if I just believed....
They all left, and left behind a trail of severed hearts and broken spirits in spite of my prayers, my wishing, my being a perfect daughter, wife and woman. I blamed myself for not having enough, you guessed it:faith.
Today, I am reflecting on these last 12 years.
I never knew the shaking my real faith could take. I am not talking about the faith of childhood or the tooth under the pillow faith. I am talking about the soul crushing, life altering, moments that make you look towards the heavens with "all or nothing" shouted from your core with fists raised.
Every single moment things have started to look like we were going to catch our breath, job loss, car issues, illness, financial crises were just waiting it seemed. There came a moment one day, when I just stood back and screamed: " I get it! I fold! I can't do a single thing without you!"
It would be great to say, then...the check arrived, the fever broke, the prodigal returned, the magical box of memories and money appeared, but they didn't; at least not at first.
Fast forward to these last five years. There aren't really adequate words to convey how beautiful it all has been. When I say beautiful, I say it with tears streaming even now and pain in my joints as I type. You see, I have discovered real, soul lifting and life giving moments that still make me look towards the heavens with "all or nothing" shouted from my core. I will never settle for anything less from Him.
I have faced giants with no slingshot. Armies with no mighty men on my side. Seas with no dry path.
yet...
In the wake of a doctor's diagnosis: I have faith that a death sentence will not be my legacy.
In the wake of shut off notices: I have faith that a small group of friends rally around me to see otherwise. Someone always lets God speak to them.
In the wake of hurt, lies, rejection, and misunderstanding: I have a peace that truly passes all understanding.
All the years of my life, it is as if the foundation was being built, brick by brick, piece by piece, until now:
There is an unmistakable assurance, that no matter what happens, I have already seen enough to know He is still at the helm. He moves on hearts. He moves and moves until He finds the perfect moment and the perfect faith: all or nothing.
Every single need.
Every single time.
It is always met.
This walk is a walk of various terrains, but as long as I am walking with the Lord, the walk is filled with ridiculous faith, crazy faith and mustard seeds the size of boulders faith. He will come through. He really always has, because no matter what I saw or felt or believed, He was building the foundation of this unshakable faith.
I found out last year the father I never met died. My mother had to flee for our safety from him when I was only few weeks old. Although he knew where we were, he never sent anything other than a snowsuit and a few dollars. once.
No, that magical box never came; but the greatest gift has come, over and over. It has built my faith to unshakable proportions. I have no idea what will happen next, with my health, my job or my family. But when it is time, the check will come, the fever will break and the prodigal will come home.
Crazy faith.Mustard seeds the size of boulders faith.
These are just a few of the ways friends have referred to my faith.
I can, in no way though, take all the credit. In fact, I can't take any. I remember when "worry" was as much a part of my life as coffee was ( and is ) part of my morning. So trust me, when I say, my faith is far beyond what I ever knew or imagined.
I grew up in church and heard remarkable stories of faith. Evangelists would tell miraculous stories of provision at just the right time. I would sit enthralled at stories, missionaries told of how at the last moment, when it seemed all was lost, the check would arrive, the fever would break, the prodigal would return and having faith was at the crux of these tales.
Growing up, I had faith.
I had faith that God would make my own father appear magically one day. I believed one day a package would arrive with pictures and presents, all evidence of his "keeping track of me" through the years, and all the money we needed would be in that box too.
I had faith the abusive stepfather would love us. I prayed he would be in a good mood when he came home from work and we could laugh and play outside, because if he wasn't, the night would look very different, so different in fact, I might have to wear something to hide the events of the evening.
Years later, I prayed that my husband would change his mind about abandoning us. I did all those things that women say they won't do, because I had faith that if I just believed....
They all left, and left behind a trail of severed hearts and broken spirits in spite of my prayers, my wishing, my being a perfect daughter, wife and woman. I blamed myself for not having enough, you guessed it:faith.
Today, I am reflecting on these last 12 years.
I never knew the shaking my real faith could take. I am not talking about the faith of childhood or the tooth under the pillow faith. I am talking about the soul crushing, life altering, moments that make you look towards the heavens with "all or nothing" shouted from your core with fists raised.
Every single moment things have started to look like we were going to catch our breath, job loss, car issues, illness, financial crises were just waiting it seemed. There came a moment one day, when I just stood back and screamed: " I get it! I fold! I can't do a single thing without you!"
It would be great to say, then...the check arrived, the fever broke, the prodigal returned, the magical box of memories and money appeared, but they didn't; at least not at first.
Fast forward to these last five years. There aren't really adequate words to convey how beautiful it all has been. When I say beautiful, I say it with tears streaming even now and pain in my joints as I type. You see, I have discovered real, soul lifting and life giving moments that still make me look towards the heavens with "all or nothing" shouted from my core. I will never settle for anything less from Him.
I have faced giants with no slingshot. Armies with no mighty men on my side. Seas with no dry path.
yet...
In the wake of a doctor's diagnosis: I have faith that a death sentence will not be my legacy.
In the wake of shut off notices: I have faith that a small group of friends rally around me to see otherwise. Someone always lets God speak to them.
In the wake of hurt, lies, rejection, and misunderstanding: I have a peace that truly passes all understanding.
All the years of my life, it is as if the foundation was being built, brick by brick, piece by piece, until now:
There is an unmistakable assurance, that no matter what happens, I have already seen enough to know He is still at the helm. He moves on hearts. He moves and moves until He finds the perfect moment and the perfect faith: all or nothing.
Every single need.
Every single time.
It is always met.
This walk is a walk of various terrains, but as long as I am walking with the Lord, the walk is filled with ridiculous faith, crazy faith and mustard seeds the size of boulders faith. He will come through. He really always has, because no matter what I saw or felt or believed, He was building the foundation of this unshakable faith.
I found out last year the father I never met died. My mother had to flee for our safety from him when I was only few weeks old. Although he knew where we were, he never sent anything other than a snowsuit and a few dollars. once.
No, that magical box never came; but the greatest gift has come, over and over. It has built my faith to unshakable proportions. I have no idea what will happen next, with my health, my job or my family. But when it is time, the check will come, the fever will break and the prodigal will come home.
Comments
Post a Comment