In the Silence
There's a new moment ahead; a moment where I will listen. Pure and simple....just listen.
This year has had so much "noise." The noise of doctor's reports, health issues, teenager issues, arguments, chores, job chaos and on and on. I need to take a profound step back, so....the silence is waiting.
Growing up, in a full gospel southern church background, I've become accustomed to so much "noise."
"Pray for a breakthrough!"
"Keep praying!"
"Be filled."
"Look this way!"
"Be this!"
"Do this!"
"Don't you want to be seen as one of His?"
I remember thinking, so many "liturgical" churches had it so wrong. How could they sit in silence and expect God to move?
This year I will turn 50. That presents its own noise:
"What do you do?"
"Have you met anyone yet?"
"Have you tried ______________?"
"Have you tithed?"
"Have you given?"
"What about ______?"
"You should ____________?"
and about a 100 more nuggets of advice.
I remember thinking things would be easier when my kids got older. Silence now.
I am now, sitting on the cusp of what could be a real change and believe me when I say I need quiet.
Social media. It's pictures and reports of everything while I fight for my life with a disease that has reared its ugly head, has left me angry and bitter and resenting. Silence now.
Apathy from those who could completely change my situation as well as others? again....resentment instead of interceding. I need silence.
People, and events and scenarios are vying for my attention at every turn, and every turn wields a new distraction. I am off course and needing to focus. Silence now.
I realize I can't become some Andy Warhol-esque recluse, nor do I want to be, but there is a new day beginning in 2015. I don't intend to pull away from anyone who needs me, but there are enormous changes afoot.
We are one week away from Christmas and I find myself looking forward to sitting quietly at the end of the day, the Christmas lights shining and I sit contemplating this new season that is upon me.
I'm reading a book called the Sacred Year, by Michael Yankoski and it has made a profound impact on me. One of the chapters speaks specifically to the "silent" moments. The noise becomes a distraction, and we lose the ability to really "hear from God."
I know, I have faced some of the darkest days this last year; 'betrayal' specifically has been at the helm of this journey. I have been hurt in every way imaginable by some, extremely close to me, and by those who've said they "love me," all while facing the reality of a disease that is life threatening. It's surreal to do all you know to do, and it still doesn't effect those who've hurt you. Empathy and compassion are missing, and in it all, I've screamed "WHY?"
I've cried out, prayed, yelled and held on to such hurt that it's actually created more noise. I'm actually really tired of myself. So, I'm putting myself in "time out." Silence now.
I have to get to the answers a different way. Maybe not even the answers, but the journey itself to peace, has to look a lot different. It has to be different. It just has to...
I am closing my personal facebook page.
I am setting up specific, structured time to literally be still.
I have a pile of books that are waiting for their spines to lay open on my bed as I take notes.
I have to listen, because I simply can not go through another year like 2014. I don't have the strength.
It has drained me of, quite frankly: me. My personality, my health, my outlook.....the trials and ups and downs haven't made my faith waver, but they have caused a startling, deep investigation at what I really believe and why. There is a difference this time.No more resolutions, only listening.
I know who God is in my life.
I know I would not even be here without Him.
I know He loves me.
Our relationship is not the issue.
I have to hear from Him, this year. Period.
No more vague, halfhearted, pseudo-prayers between Facebook updates and podcasts, but a different dynamic altogether. A calendar filled with something every waking moment? No. Not this time.
It is time for a "deep calls to deep kind of digging my heels in" approach to whatever is going to happen next. I can't do another year, another month, another day in mediocrity. My health can't take this beating again and neither can my heart.
As Christmas curves its way into the next few days....with eggnog and lights and baking and laughter and memories, I will embrace it all. I adore my family and know miraculously God will once again provide for us, as yes....I just lost my main income two weeks before Christmas. Silence now.
New Years, however? An introspective and hopefully enlightening gift is awaiting as a sabbatical of sorts takes place. Silence, open doors, inventory, prayer and peace. It's there...if I will just listen.
This year has had so much "noise." The noise of doctor's reports, health issues, teenager issues, arguments, chores, job chaos and on and on. I need to take a profound step back, so....the silence is waiting.
Growing up, in a full gospel southern church background, I've become accustomed to so much "noise."
"Pray for a breakthrough!"
"Keep praying!"
"Be filled."
"Look this way!"
"Be this!"
"Do this!"
"Don't you want to be seen as one of His?"
I remember thinking, so many "liturgical" churches had it so wrong. How could they sit in silence and expect God to move?
This year I will turn 50. That presents its own noise:
"What do you do?"
"Have you met anyone yet?"
"Have you tried ______________?"
"Have you tithed?"
"Have you given?"
"What about ______?"
"You should ____________?"
and about a 100 more nuggets of advice.
I remember thinking things would be easier when my kids got older. Silence now.
I am now, sitting on the cusp of what could be a real change and believe me when I say I need quiet.
Social media. It's pictures and reports of everything while I fight for my life with a disease that has reared its ugly head, has left me angry and bitter and resenting. Silence now.
Apathy from those who could completely change my situation as well as others? again....resentment instead of interceding. I need silence.
People, and events and scenarios are vying for my attention at every turn, and every turn wields a new distraction. I am off course and needing to focus. Silence now.
I realize I can't become some Andy Warhol-esque recluse, nor do I want to be, but there is a new day beginning in 2015. I don't intend to pull away from anyone who needs me, but there are enormous changes afoot.
We are one week away from Christmas and I find myself looking forward to sitting quietly at the end of the day, the Christmas lights shining and I sit contemplating this new season that is upon me.
I'm reading a book called the Sacred Year, by Michael Yankoski and it has made a profound impact on me. One of the chapters speaks specifically to the "silent" moments. The noise becomes a distraction, and we lose the ability to really "hear from God."
I know, I have faced some of the darkest days this last year; 'betrayal' specifically has been at the helm of this journey. I have been hurt in every way imaginable by some, extremely close to me, and by those who've said they "love me," all while facing the reality of a disease that is life threatening. It's surreal to do all you know to do, and it still doesn't effect those who've hurt you. Empathy and compassion are missing, and in it all, I've screamed "WHY?"
I've cried out, prayed, yelled and held on to such hurt that it's actually created more noise. I'm actually really tired of myself. So, I'm putting myself in "time out." Silence now.
I have to get to the answers a different way. Maybe not even the answers, but the journey itself to peace, has to look a lot different. It has to be different. It just has to...
I am closing my personal facebook page.
I am setting up specific, structured time to literally be still.
I have a pile of books that are waiting for their spines to lay open on my bed as I take notes.
I have to listen, because I simply can not go through another year like 2014. I don't have the strength.
It has drained me of, quite frankly: me. My personality, my health, my outlook.....the trials and ups and downs haven't made my faith waver, but they have caused a startling, deep investigation at what I really believe and why. There is a difference this time.No more resolutions, only listening.
I know who God is in my life.
I know I would not even be here without Him.
I know He loves me.
Our relationship is not the issue.
I have to hear from Him, this year. Period.
No more vague, halfhearted, pseudo-prayers between Facebook updates and podcasts, but a different dynamic altogether. A calendar filled with something every waking moment? No. Not this time.
It is time for a "deep calls to deep kind of digging my heels in" approach to whatever is going to happen next. I can't do another year, another month, another day in mediocrity. My health can't take this beating again and neither can my heart.
As Christmas curves its way into the next few days....with eggnog and lights and baking and laughter and memories, I will embrace it all. I adore my family and know miraculously God will once again provide for us, as yes....I just lost my main income two weeks before Christmas. Silence now.
New Years, however? An introspective and hopefully enlightening gift is awaiting as a sabbatical of sorts takes place. Silence, open doors, inventory, prayer and peace. It's there...if I will just listen.
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