Lessons and The Authentic Me
Tonight, I was driving my mom home and as we passed
a local restaurant she asked if I had ever
eaten there.
I responded with : "Yes, once...with ( name withheld )."
" All he did was complain about, well...everything. The wait. The noise. The prices. Yet, I sat there trying to make the best out of everything, when I should have walked out. The whole experience was miserable that night and even though I had been excited about going, he ruined it."
Needless to say, after a short while, "Mr. Namewithheld" and I parted ways, but tonight I really processed what had transpired both that night and actually these last few years.
How many times in my life have I tried to "smooth things over, walk on eggshells, make the best of things, etc etc?" At what point did I lose the authentic me? My voice? My validation?
I have always prided myself on being funny, strong, independent, creative and so on, but that voice...that internal check of pulling back so as to not offend, is a system in need of an overhaul.
For so many years, I suffered from a poor self image. I felt "less than," as so many young girls feel when they fall into the trap of comparison.
Not skinny enough,
Not talented enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not enough.
Then, when the devastation of a divorce and abandonment hit? That was the last straw. Not only was I fraught with feelings of "less than," but I was left with "never enough."
As time, prayer, support and an amazing God, brought me out of that horrible season, I still struggled with finding my voice. ( See, story above....yeesh)
But, I can truly say I have found my voice, It has been there all along, I just had to stop listening to the other voices:
Doubt
Rejection
Lies
Depression
My voice is the voice of a woman who is complete in not only who she is, but in who she was created to be. It's ridiculous to think of all the missed opportunities because I had no voice, no confidence, no self assurance.
What is so miraculous about this journey is, it never stops. There are moments so simple, like driving past a restaurant, where God drops a memory to remind you how far you've come.
There are those moments where you no longer eat burnt toast.
You no longer make 100 trips to the store, school, practices, because your child has "forgotten" something, again.
You no longer slump to appear shorter. ( even if the guy is "Mr. Darcy" )
You no longer double, triple, quadruple check the mirror.
You download your own music.
You eat ice cream for dinner.
You let go...
Now, it has been a long time since this girl has been on a date. After this, statement it will probably be even longer.
But, I have learned an amazing lesson these last few years: I am me. Period. I will no longer be someone else's version of anything or anyone.
The miraculous, healing, affirming work of creating the authentic me was started before I drew my first breath, and it will continue to do so, no matter who's paying for dinner.
a local restaurant she asked if I had ever
I responded with : "Yes, once...with ( name withheld )."
" All he did was complain about, well...everything. The wait. The noise. The prices. Yet, I sat there trying to make the best out of everything, when I should have walked out. The whole experience was miserable that night and even though I had been excited about going, he ruined it."
Needless to say, after a short while, "Mr. Namewithheld" and I parted ways, but tonight I really processed what had transpired both that night and actually these last few years.
How many times in my life have I tried to "smooth things over, walk on eggshells, make the best of things, etc etc?" At what point did I lose the authentic me? My voice? My validation?
I have always prided myself on being funny, strong, independent, creative and so on, but that voice...that internal check of pulling back so as to not offend, is a system in need of an overhaul.
For so many years, I suffered from a poor self image. I felt "less than," as so many young girls feel when they fall into the trap of comparison.
Not skinny enough,
Not talented enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not enough.
Then, when the devastation of a divorce and abandonment hit? That was the last straw. Not only was I fraught with feelings of "less than," but I was left with "never enough."
As time, prayer, support and an amazing God, brought me out of that horrible season, I still struggled with finding my voice. ( See, story above....yeesh)
But, I can truly say I have found my voice, It has been there all along, I just had to stop listening to the other voices:
Doubt
Rejection
Lies
Depression
My voice is the voice of a woman who is complete in not only who she is, but in who she was created to be. It's ridiculous to think of all the missed opportunities because I had no voice, no confidence, no self assurance.
What is so miraculous about this journey is, it never stops. There are moments so simple, like driving past a restaurant, where God drops a memory to remind you how far you've come.
There are those moments where you no longer eat burnt toast.
You no longer make 100 trips to the store, school, practices, because your child has "forgotten" something, again.
You no longer slump to appear shorter. ( even if the guy is "Mr. Darcy" )
You no longer double, triple, quadruple check the mirror.
You download your own music.
You eat ice cream for dinner.
You let go...
Now, it has been a long time since this girl has been on a date. After this, statement it will probably be even longer.
But, I have learned an amazing lesson these last few years: I am me. Period. I will no longer be someone else's version of anything or anyone.
The miraculous, healing, affirming work of creating the authentic me was started before I drew my first breath, and it will continue to do so, no matter who's paying for dinner.
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